My emo entry..one of those painful healing times

28 July 2008

I am a mess, don't know why but I have been putting this idea at the back of my mind and I thought if I take them seriously I might sound stupid or exaggerating. Am I...?
I am still on my crutch despite doctor's diagnose and estimated recovery rate..my feet is still in pain and my toe is still swollen. During the initial stage, I was nursing my injury and stayed home for about 2weeks. But doctor said I should be more active and move around. I thought I was being paranoid earlier, so I tried to live as normal as I can. Work as usual moving around meeting clients and spend my weekends doing house work, shopping for groceries or watching movies. But every single day, I had to stare at my swollen foot and just pray that the pain would go away. In addition to the physical pain, I had to face people who constantly stare at me when I am on my crutch or limping while walking short distance. The annoyance beginning to get me, but I counted my blessings because I know there are other people that were not so lucky. Also, trying to explain to people what had caused my injury is not so easy anymore. Tried very hard to make it sound funny and light so people do not have to show sympathy because when they are sad or awkward, it will only make me feel worse off. Not to mention trying to reason every single medical advice by those who tried to help recommending traditional medicine or continue nursing my pain by resting.
At this moment, I am pondering the likelihood of not being able to walk normal again. I tried to push this thought away but after 2months the idea begin to taunt me. I tried to express this fear by talking about it or lead a normal life so it will just go away, but somehow it sticks out like a sore thumb. For the first time since my fall, I am crying in pain and unable to smile should there be anyone asking how am I doing.

27 Sept 2008
No more crutch, no more swelling but the ache in my ankle comes and goes. Is it permanent? Only time will tell...

My take on 2008 Puasa and Hari Raya...

Is it only me, I feel I am not as excited about Hari Raya like before? No, please do not tell me that this feeling comes with the age..huhu. Thank God I have my baby sis and some quirky friends to remind me the excitement of the festivities..like festering me to go shopping, playing Pop Pop and bunga api around the house also the buka puasa events. I guess taste of food and camaraderie during buka puasa, puts everything into perspective and taste a little better too.
There were happy and sad stories during one month fasting. My nenek fell sick which scared me, as to me she will always be my nenek yang garang and always have her words of wisdom which highly relevant no matter how traditional it sounds. Hehe..still remember her lecture about "anak dara belajar tinggi kena masuk dapur jugak". Yup, pun was intended directly to yours truly. Well, this anak dara is still struggling with her charter ship, working her a** off, bad in her cooking and not to mention very much single. Anyway, cannot wait to see my nenek, kiss her hand and seek her forgiveness and blessings. Plus, Hari Raya brings memories of my arwah atuk. The coolest atuk ever, he always liked to play firecrackers with his grandchildren and take pictures with us. I will be the only girl among the boisterous pack of boys, pestering and asking questions about going to the beach and why durian does not bear fruits all year round and many more. He is a man of few words but his actions showed the best of him. I miss my arwah atuk and my mom's parents, although I never had to the chance to meet them. I guess if they were alive the feelings would be the same. Though this entry sound somber, I am going to celebrate Hari Raya as happy as always. Just would like to rekindle the memories of the my grandparents that have always made Hari Raya and the whole idea of balik kampung even more meaningful. To all, Selamat Hari Raya and Maaf Zahir Batin

Ouch!

Today is my first day at work after a long leave and attending courses..do not feel like working and my foot is still in pain. The pain is like neither here nor there...once I feel like I am ok, then it starts all over again. For those who are lost..I am recovering from a sprained ankle and broken li'l toe, currently sporting a nice crutch and white bandage over my ankle. Some calls me House and I have one of my friends calling me Nenek Kebayan for my crutch yielding skills.
To summarize how I ended up like this..I slipped at home, landed on the left side of my foot causing extreme pressure on my li'l toe causing it to pop out of its socket and it turned upside down for half a day before the doctor pulled and pushed it back into its small cosy space. Once the toe returned to its place, the finger tissues are torn and the pain of my sprained ankle begins to set in causing my left foot swollen for 2weeks and until now I cannot walk as normal. Plus, this happened 3days before my MICPA exam. Doctor recommended at least 1month minimal activities for my left foot. I don't know how to manage that with the June peak period looming over my head.
Anyways, I am counting my blessings and thankful for the TLC I received from my dearest parents, siblings, schatz and friends. For those who are traumatized for life from the sight of my li'l toe, very sorry guys but for those who laughed, thank you for nothing ;)

Family: Thanks for the VIP treatment, accompanying me to the exam hall and hospital visits and for just being there for me
Friends: Thanks for the well wishes, jokes, laughs and very much needed - Dunkin Donuts
Schatz: Thanks for visiting every other day, being patient when I am down, walking slowly while I struggle walking around and making me smile when I am in pain

Reflection

Have you felt annoyed just by looking at yourself in the mirror? I know I am not perfect and I am comfortable with it, that just shows that I am human. But it does weight much more when the imperfections were pointed out by someboday that I care. I guess it is just part of human nature to be more affected by...flaws rather than beauty...mistakes than success...absence rather than presence. And being me, always trying to please everybody it does make me sad. Call me emotional freak but this is just me, if I can accept people as who they are then why is it hard for people to accept me as I am...respect my choices, appreciate my being and love me for being me.

P/S: I am fine but not so fine

7 things about me

By request of a dear friend, I am obliged to complete this test..hehe. Maybe I am limping with my left leg that is still not quite awake but these fingers can still dance on the keyboard.

7 random facts about me:

1. Old school romantic - love spending time with schatz; good conversation, laughs and sweet promises over dinner, ice cream or even a kuih koci
2. A major crybaby - when I am sad I cry, when I am happy I cry, when I am confuse I cry, when I am in pain I cry, when I am laughing I cry...go figure
3. Inconsistent centre of gravity - historical places; longkang in front of my house at 2, the small hill at the corner of my house at 10, biology lab at 15, Pangkor Island at 20, my room at 26..I do not need to get into zero G room to go tumbling around like a helium balloon
4. Loves staying home with mi familia - watching tv, chatting away over breakfast, lunch and dinner, shopping for groceries or stuffs, fooling around...
5. Still searching a life long career instead of a job - everytime people ask me is this your life ambition, I would smile and say I stumbled upon this line of work
6. Enjoys fun and adventure rides in theme parks - i love those thrill rides and dreaming to go to Disneyland
7. Wondering when my time will come - yes, I am traditionalist that wants to get married despite the aloofness in me ;)

7 things that scare me:

1. Horror movies - can't stand it, too much suspense, sound effect, blood and gore
2. Reptiles - snakes, lizards, iguanas etc..I am into fuzzy cuddly animals
3. Losing my loved ones; family, schatz and friends
4. Losing my 6 senses
5. Ignorance and hipocrisy - honestly, this is scary but I can be found guilty in many ways
6. Sight of blood and cuts - cannot tahan, sure faint one
7. Going to Hell

7 random music at the moment:

1. Sampai Syurga - Super Faizal
2. Touch My Body - Mariah Carey
3. Love In This Club - Usher
4. 11 Januari - Gigi
5. Sempurna - Andra & the Backbone
6. Smooth Operator - Sade
7. Right Here Waiting - Richard Marx

7 things I treasure the most (material things):

1. My handphone - staying connected
2. My laptop - for work and leisure
3. My timepiece - masa itu emas
4. My Mini Kelisa - speed demon
5. My handbags - beg ajaib that fits 1001 things like Doraemon
6. My home - that is where the heart is
7. My Friendster and Facebook - it is hard to remain in touch with friends without them

7 "first time" things I ever did:

1. Hiking up a stretch of Banjaran Titiwangsa
2. Flying fox down a 4 storeys building
3. Made a decision that costs me my dearest friends
4. Got into an accident and had a b*tch fit on MRR2 ( not sure whether it was intimidating or entertaining for the other party)
5. Joining a 4WD expedition into the heart of an Orang Asli village
6. Performed Umrah with my parents at the age of 12
7. Going on a navy ship near Selat Melaka

Simply beautiful

Dedicated to my dearest...Schatz & Mak

Kau begitu sempurna
Dimataku kau begitu indahkau membuat diriku
akan slalu memujamu

Disetiap langkahku
Kukan slalu memikirkan dirimu
Tak bisa kubayangkan hidupku tanpa cintamu

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sempurna.. Sempurna..

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

The confident and perasan "ruling National Front coalition"

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia (AP) -- An international human rights group said Wednesday it fears Malaysians will not get a fair vote in this week's general elections because of an uneven playing field favoring the ruling National Front coalition.
New York-based Human Rights Watch urged Malaysia to eradicate bias from the electoral process. Opposition and activist groups say the process is rife with irregularities.
Malaysian law minister Nazri Abdul Aziz denied the allegations, accusing Human Rights Watch of discrediting the elections because "they know the National Front will win."
"To me, Human Rights Watch is biased. They are not important at all. It's only their opinion," he told The Associated Press. - CNN

I put my hands up to the minister who have further humiliate our credibility as a democratic country, which supposed to honor human rights and freedom of choice. Vote for Malaysia, vote for ... those who take the people's opinion seriously.