4 months later..

I was on a hiatus for the past 5months, suffering from writer's bloc.. Trust me, I have a lots of stuff going on but words don't seem to flow coherently into the pages every time i tried to write. So this is another try and hope this time things will makes sense.. Since it has been 4months, lets try going month by month..

Mar-May 09
Another peak period ends for another to begin, one of my ultimate challenging assignment; a hotel in Subang Jaya. The hours, expectations, resources, client and overall circumstances are ultimate nightmare. Averaging 1 am everyday weekends included, is measured OK compared to some of my poor team mates in other side of the Group, so you get the idea.. At the end of the day, I can say I learnt a lot but getting there, curse words were flying like gagak (crows) flying in Port Kelang area. Pity my juniors most of them are new joiners, have to sprint before they could even crawl in the firm. Thankfully we shared a common fear factor, which I beg not to mention here (for safety reasons). For those who have heard my rantings, you know who or what I am referring to.
Well, despite the craziness of work, light at the end of the tunnel came sooner than expected and to keep things short my last day in PwC was on 16th May 2009. There were sadness leaving friends and the familiar working life in PwC. There were good times for the past 3 years 10months, and I am quite proud to be associated with PwC, knowing that I have learned heaps, achieved my goal of being a chartered accountant and found relationships that will span beyond my stint there. But as times passes by, I have to take another train to continue my travel.

June-July 09
Started my first days in Petronas with an orientation program in Bangi. First day, feelings were different than the first day in PwC. Coming as someone who had been in much different environment, I became more cynical of things to come and not so excited to undergo orientation (macam time2 belajar dulu..go camping, sports and such..so kanak2 riang). And they had to call the program PIPE, very 'inspiring' (?!). As expected, we went to a lot of classes introducing us to what Petronas is all about, from corporate, operational, business and values perspectives. The way things were delivered, were interesting and for myself I found it very useful in appreciating what Petronas has to offer. But, before anyone can say I am a changed person, that professional skepticism in me (thanks to PwC methodology) is still in full gear moving forward into the real work later.
Actually, my favorite thing there is the friends that I have made. There was a fair mix of new grads and experienced hire but I think the combination just made things even more fun. We had long makan cum gossips sessions that spilled over to trips for desserts in McD, karaoke sessions for those that want to clear their pipes (pun intended), volleyball games even for those who are sports blind (like moi) and lots more. I had a first impression idea of everyone in the group and at the end of the day, I was proven wrong in many ways. I asked few friends of what were their impression of me, these are my surprising findings:

1. A know it all..macam bagus
2. Walking dictionary or thesaurus..why have to use BIG words
3. Speaks English only
4. Married.. kids (optional)
5. She was an auditor, but what actually auditor does?
6. Soft-spoken aka budak baik yg bersopan-santun

I bet they had other ideas, but these are the top picks. I hope I have proven them wrong too and since we are all still friends, closer than ever..that says it all. Maybe anyone out there can let me know, what were your first impression of me and has it changed??

I want to tell more about the real work, post-PIPE..but lets keep that for later..

3 days of weekend

I had a full weekend...full and satisfying I must say.
Saturday, with much relief I am officially off from my recent audit assignment. So much drama! Today is a day for my friends. I have managed to get Ash and Cheex to free their schedule for lunch and some catching up before Cheex bertunang next week. Yup, another one down..Aku juga yang liat nak settle down. Schatz came in tow to look for his bro's going away prezie so finally got to introduce him to Cheex too. Approved! Back to Ash and Cheex, we chat like crazy people from appointing me to be Minister of Pecah Kelapa for Thaipusam, going gaga over Cheex to-be engagement ring and Ash's little nephew; Emir who is growing so fast... Then after very filling nyum2 lunch at Paddington's I am off to Lynn's house for her daughter; Maya 2nd birthday. Ate bit of roti jala with note to self (jangan makan banyak sangat!) and a bite of Barney the Purple Dinasour cake. Never liked Barney because I am a true blue Sesame Street fan, but the cake was good. Then got home caught up with few friends over YM and I am done for the day.
Sunday..yeay! My day with schatz. Went to Pavillion hunting for my delayed prezie. Before that, we went to the cinema, thought want to watch Benjamin Button tapi first show at 11.50pm. Hish, cannot be! Then schatz persuaded to watch Valkyrie just because it is a movie revolving around German. Susah betul kalau jalan dengan orang German celup ni..jgn marah schatz ;) Since I didn't read German history very well, I was very dissapointed when all the good guys died. Sedih la that story. But my sadness did not last long then we continued our hunt for prezie at Charles & Keith, HOL, Nine West, Celine and lotsa other handbag shops. Being myself yang kedek (short for kedekut) and always on budget mode, I normally end up picking the most value for money. Finally, schatz decided something from Nine West and I am very2 happy. After movie and shopping, makan time we went to Nasi Lemak Antarabangsa near Ampang Point. Was I shocked..expected price to be close to the original one in Kampung Baru, but in the end we ended up paying RM18 for nasi lemak, mee rebus, plain water and ice lemon tea. Tak nak pergi lagi, I rather makan kat Kampung Baru after this. Huh!
Monday, family time. Promised Che' Net (my li'l sis) to teman look for nice skirt for her Girl Guide party next week. Kids these days...aiyoh! Being the youngest and manja, she managed to pujuk mak to buy her a nice black skirt yang ehem..ehem..boleh tahan mahal. I can only smirk when she got her wishes. Then we went to Jusco for the family shopping day and bought 3 tudungs for myself, 1 for mak and 1 capri for Che' Net. Then grocery shopping, the normal ritual. At home later, cleaned up my nookie and did some laundry before dozing off for a quick nap. Ingat nak pergi jogging with Che' Net but macam nak hujan seram je dengar thunder. Next week la nampaknya, in the mean time just fooled around at home..Now, dreading again to go to work. New client, new assignment and new team tapi dekat je kat rumah. Thinking of taking LRT because parking susah. Bila cakap pasal kerja mula la kepala ni fikir macam2...tapi tu kita cerita lain kali la. I want to catch up the Grammy's now and wondering if schatz dah sampai rumah belum...
Later

Silence

Who would have thought silence can be deafening. When this happens I am a wreck. The anxiety of not knowing what is going on and the anticipation of something that may not be what I expected are crushing me. The power that it has over me drives me to the edge no matter how I try to ignore it; telling myself that everything will turn out OK, keeping myself busy with other things to keep my mind of the dilemma and pushing away the thoughts that things could turn for the worst.
I hope those who have used silence to resolve matters realize that more damage than good is done. Silence is a dangerous space for doubts, negativity and suspicion to grow. There is no telling, will the dark thoughts go once the silence is over. Been there and often it hurts really bad.
I pray that the dark glimpses of possibilities that are pushing through the back of my mind will go away as I strive to recollect every sense of hope and joy to tread the silence I am facing.

Can I Say No?

thinking...
how can you say 'no' to a dear friend who really needs your help but it is for something which you believe is wrong.theoretically, it should be easy but it is not easy if you do not want to hurt their feelings.i am no angel and have gave in so many times to my friend's requests and always felt guilty after that, in spite of being happy to help a friend and in other way myself.
it is always hard to say 'no' when you see the disappointment on their face or hear it from their voice, which is the last thing you want your friend to feel..i don't like feeling torn and choosing between my friend's feelings and what is right.but this time, my choice is clear...i want to be on the right track.

the passing...

It was Friday morning, my mom woke me up with the news.
Earlier, I had a dream, she was on her bed telling me she cannot take the pain anymore and it is time to go. He sat next to her comforting her, saying he will be ok when she is gone and he is ready for her to take her place with the Almighty. I watched with great puzzle with chills running through my veins.
Awake, my mom words struck me and made me sat on my bed for a long minute, is this another dream but I know I am no longer sleeping. My grandmother really had answered her call earlier that night. She is my grandmother's youngest sister and suffered a long battle with diabetes. Tears welled up every time I recall the dream that I had that night, the unspoken goodbye. I watched the family helped her for the last bath, kafan, the final goodbyes and kisses then the burial. Tears fall like darkest raining hours even when it was a bright Friday morning.
Though it was about her that day, the sermons read by the imam were meant for the living, death is certain for everyone, how are we prepared to answer our own call when the time comes.. I realize I am not and have broken promises to the Almighty too many times when everyday I seek forgiveness and repent not to stray from His path.
The grieve that falls over our family were in concert, her house has always been the centre of reunions during Hari Raya. Now, with her passing things might never be the same again. Al-Fatihah.

Reunited

Maya in Kak An's make up class
I had a great time in these 2days, being reunited with my high school besties; Fazlin and Haslina. we have been besties since 13-14years ago..yes, that far back. I will not lie that we did have our distance and disconnection due to living away from Malaysia, studying, family and working. But after all these years we manage to keep in touch and keep our friendship close and dear to our heart. Seeing them after so long, there was no second of awkwardness. The laughter, jokes, antics, conversations were like we never left high school.

I remembered the day that I cried my eyes out when Fazlin left for US with her family. Don't know why but the song Don't Speak by No Doubt always brought me back to that day we said goodbyes. And I remember the day I had the best ayam masak merah at Haslina's house and exchanging novels after school.

They are the testimony of my happy and dramatic childhood. We went through old letters and pictures, and the memories were so fresh that it felt that we were in our white and blue baju kurung just yesterday. How we make fun of kids that we don't like or blush when we see kids that we like a li'l too much, teachers that had special nicknames and high school flings that we stumbled into.

I think I am still the one they love to pick on (mangsa buli), Fazlin is still the guy magnet (si cantik..is it?) and Haslina is forever the one with witty one-liner that can make me rolling in laughter (raja lawak..hehe). After 10-ish years, Fazlin is now a proud mother of little princess Maya, Haslina is a bride-to-be and myself..??..well, I am just me. We grew up and had our experiences, which made me love and treasure them more. Growing up is not so simple, some had it tougher than others in different ways. Nevertheless, we inspire each other in our hardships and thankful of the joy and love we still have for each other.

My emo entry..one of those painful healing times

28 July 2008

I am a mess, don't know why but I have been putting this idea at the back of my mind and I thought if I take them seriously I might sound stupid or exaggerating. Am I...?
I am still on my crutch despite doctor's diagnose and estimated recovery rate..my feet is still in pain and my toe is still swollen. During the initial stage, I was nursing my injury and stayed home for about 2weeks. But doctor said I should be more active and move around. I thought I was being paranoid earlier, so I tried to live as normal as I can. Work as usual moving around meeting clients and spend my weekends doing house work, shopping for groceries or watching movies. But every single day, I had to stare at my swollen foot and just pray that the pain would go away. In addition to the physical pain, I had to face people who constantly stare at me when I am on my crutch or limping while walking short distance. The annoyance beginning to get me, but I counted my blessings because I know there are other people that were not so lucky. Also, trying to explain to people what had caused my injury is not so easy anymore. Tried very hard to make it sound funny and light so people do not have to show sympathy because when they are sad or awkward, it will only make me feel worse off. Not to mention trying to reason every single medical advice by those who tried to help recommending traditional medicine or continue nursing my pain by resting.
At this moment, I am pondering the likelihood of not being able to walk normal again. I tried to push this thought away but after 2months the idea begin to taunt me. I tried to express this fear by talking about it or lead a normal life so it will just go away, but somehow it sticks out like a sore thumb. For the first time since my fall, I am crying in pain and unable to smile should there be anyone asking how am I doing.

27 Sept 2008
No more crutch, no more swelling but the ache in my ankle comes and goes. Is it permanent? Only time will tell...