My emo entry..one of those painful healing times

28 July 2008

I am a mess, don't know why but I have been putting this idea at the back of my mind and I thought if I take them seriously I might sound stupid or exaggerating. Am I...?
I am still on my crutch despite doctor's diagnose and estimated recovery rate..my feet is still in pain and my toe is still swollen. During the initial stage, I was nursing my injury and stayed home for about 2weeks. But doctor said I should be more active and move around. I thought I was being paranoid earlier, so I tried to live as normal as I can. Work as usual moving around meeting clients and spend my weekends doing house work, shopping for groceries or watching movies. But every single day, I had to stare at my swollen foot and just pray that the pain would go away. In addition to the physical pain, I had to face people who constantly stare at me when I am on my crutch or limping while walking short distance. The annoyance beginning to get me, but I counted my blessings because I know there are other people that were not so lucky. Also, trying to explain to people what had caused my injury is not so easy anymore. Tried very hard to make it sound funny and light so people do not have to show sympathy because when they are sad or awkward, it will only make me feel worse off. Not to mention trying to reason every single medical advice by those who tried to help recommending traditional medicine or continue nursing my pain by resting.
At this moment, I am pondering the likelihood of not being able to walk normal again. I tried to push this thought away but after 2months the idea begin to taunt me. I tried to express this fear by talking about it or lead a normal life so it will just go away, but somehow it sticks out like a sore thumb. For the first time since my fall, I am crying in pain and unable to smile should there be anyone asking how am I doing.

27 Sept 2008
No more crutch, no more swelling but the ache in my ankle comes and goes. Is it permanent? Only time will tell...

My take on 2008 Puasa and Hari Raya...

Is it only me, I feel I am not as excited about Hari Raya like before? No, please do not tell me that this feeling comes with the age..huhu. Thank God I have my baby sis and some quirky friends to remind me the excitement of the festivities..like festering me to go shopping, playing Pop Pop and bunga api around the house also the buka puasa events. I guess taste of food and camaraderie during buka puasa, puts everything into perspective and taste a little better too.
There were happy and sad stories during one month fasting. My nenek fell sick which scared me, as to me she will always be my nenek yang garang and always have her words of wisdom which highly relevant no matter how traditional it sounds. Hehe..still remember her lecture about "anak dara belajar tinggi kena masuk dapur jugak". Yup, pun was intended directly to yours truly. Well, this anak dara is still struggling with her charter ship, working her a** off, bad in her cooking and not to mention very much single. Anyway, cannot wait to see my nenek, kiss her hand and seek her forgiveness and blessings. Plus, Hari Raya brings memories of my arwah atuk. The coolest atuk ever, he always liked to play firecrackers with his grandchildren and take pictures with us. I will be the only girl among the boisterous pack of boys, pestering and asking questions about going to the beach and why durian does not bear fruits all year round and many more. He is a man of few words but his actions showed the best of him. I miss my arwah atuk and my mom's parents, although I never had to the chance to meet them. I guess if they were alive the feelings would be the same. Though this entry sound somber, I am going to celebrate Hari Raya as happy as always. Just would like to rekindle the memories of the my grandparents that have always made Hari Raya and the whole idea of balik kampung even more meaningful. To all, Selamat Hari Raya and Maaf Zahir Batin