Still deciphering...

When RC circuit have the positive and negative charge just like me and you, the voltage will be the same but when we become parallel, there is resistance which is against the current flow of our friendship and since the ammeter will show my level of knowing you, that’s why I will come to you to complete the circuit of your life – MHMN

Kesayangan

I was lost, thinking that I never deserved happiness and punished for something I am not certain of.
Until I found you, who gave me reasons to believe in myself for who I am, who I was and who I want to be.
You complete the stories that I could not finish, you made coincidences so sweet, I cry so much with you from the laughter we had together, and smiled through obstacles I faced and I will not falter when I know you are mine.
My imperfections are your strengths, and your lackluster is my brilliance. I am so thankful to God for my prayers have been answered in the most unexpected way; I found a companion in a stranger that I have known for so long.
In time, tide and distance I want to make up for the time we have lost and build memories with you for a lifetime.
How can friendship and love that is so young, run so deep…Please let this question left unanswered for I want them to come as we learn and grow in our heaven.

1 Sentral

Today marked the first day I am at my new office, well at least a place that I can call my official office although I spend more than 3/4 of my working hours elsewhere; my clients' place. So my new office is no longer in Wisma Sime Darby as we have now shifted to KL Sentral. Well, it is not exactly near KL Sentral LRT because we still need to power walk to our building which is 10mins away.One way to keep the auditors healthy, since all we do all this while was strain our eyes, fingers and brain on our laptops.

Before I went in my friends have gave me numerous tips and sneak peeks on what to expect but most of all is the technology savvy stuff they have installed for us. First impression I had looking at the exterior of the new building was..wow, looks something out of the Matrix movies. Altough I was still being skeptical, to avoid any disappointments like I had in Sime Darby when they opened the door to our working area (imagine being thrown back to 1980's in a milisecond). So I went in and saw the morning crowd swiping cards and punching numbers on somekind of device near the elevator. Luckily I found a friend who was on her way up. So I just tagged along and watch her do the same thing, which was actually keying in the floor she was heading to while the machine flashes which elevator she should take. I am like WAH! I am impressed (skepticism chipping away).
So I went up picked up my move pack which is made of a very nice laptop back pack, mug, bottled water, guidebook, new name card and of course my own tag..hehe..so eager to go up the elevator and punch in the numbers myself. I went up the elevator with no qualms, but that was not the end of it.
I arrived at my department's floor and saw people making a bee line in front of a display screen. Again I observed but being blur me, I just went and asked around why are people looking at the screen. Apparently, we have to check in ourselves everytime we come in to work and book our desk or to make it sound cool PwC calls it "hotelling" concept. The display screen would record my check in time and inform me what are the vacant places available for me to park my stuffs, then I need to also put in my check out time. Fancy...
Apart from that, I have my own direct line now, the air cond was super freezing my b*tts off, the phone lets me screen my calls and the interior design was slick. So far so good in 1 Sentral, I hope this promises better working environment and self-motivation for my last year here. I am keeping the faith, for now...hehe

Innocence is Lost

In this blessed month of Ramadhan we are shocked by the tragic death of adik Nurin Jazlin Jazimin. I never knew her but seeing her pictures around when she was reported missing often reminded me of my little sister. I bet whenever we come across such news, we reflect on those who are dear to us.
Watching the news past few days was tough, often I find myself teary thinking what have happened to our beloved Malaysian society. I understand that there are bound to be bad apples in a society but how can somebody called Malaysian commit such a heinous, disgusting, cruel and animalistic act. I remember the few cases which really hit my nerve; Nursuzaily (raped, murdered while taking a bus ride), adik Nurul Huda (raped, murdered in a security post) and Canny Ong (raped & burned to death). It is just frightening thinking what our society has become.
We just celebrated our 50 years of independence but we still have to live in fear. At least back then we knew who were our enemies but now the so-called enemies are living among us. I do not read law but from laymen point of view, I feel the punishment of 20 years maximum and caning for rapist is so unjustified. Even if they may have not raped until causing the victim to die, in another way the culprit actually have "killed" the victim. Taking away her hope of living a normal life.
My concern goes out to all girls and ladies in Malaysia, we have to look out for ourselves, take precautions and look out for one another. My advise to guys, maybe chivalry have died but humanity is still highly relevant. Reflect upon ourselves next time we choose to ignore someone being attacked by snatch thieves, a kid sitting alone looking lost or simply, an old woman trying to cross the road. Be a true Malaysian and take action. My prayers goes out to adik Nurin and her family...may Allah bless her soul.

Ditelan mati emak, diluah mati ayah

What happens if you are standing at a crossroad where your decision cannot satisfy everyone. You follow what you believe in and hope you never have to ask yourself "What if..?". Recently, I was put on a spot where I needed to choose and no matter how I hated that feeling and was assured that I am in charge of my own life, somehow I sense that things will never be the same again.
And it did.. The silence was deafening, the look was making me feel I have greatly sinned, the confusion was nauseating and no matter how I tried to make things better it just got worse. I hope there was space for understanding but I guess it was too much to ask. Maybe I am stupid but if it is going to be a mistake it is mine to make, but I will not let it slip and never know that maybe that moment holds the key to my happiness. If separation is the only way things going to be after all that we have gone through and this is the value of something called friendship then I guess I am not entitle to it.

I did not judge you, for being who you are..
I was there for you, when people around you slipped away..
I did not leave you, when you needed company..
I tried to understand you, when things were so grey..
I was never a perfect friend but I tried my best sincerely..
No matter how things go awry, we often find our way back..
But if things have changed then with this note..I am sorry for being me

One of those days

Sleepy..
I am in client's place with statutory accounts scattered on my table for call over (or in laymen terms...proof reading). It has been raining for the past week which does not help me to wake up in the morning, often I put the alarm clock on snooze for couple of times until I finally wake up. Now I am half asleep at client's place. I wish I have one Invisibility Cloak like Harry Potter and disappear for a quick nap and dream of a one way trip to Caribbean, unlimited cash with my own McDreamy..back to punching the calculators and trying to make sense of the accounting policies (curse FRS implementation!!) hehe...

Oh, my 3sen

Have you ever thought how much 3sen really worth? I always look at those brown and thin 1sen coins with indifference. Surprisingly for me 3sen worth of coins, have made my weekend very memorable. The significance of small things have always been left unnoticed until you needed it, like paying those irritatingly RMxx.99 worth of stuffs you bought in supermarkets. And as an auditor, people would expect me being good in counting the digits. That is so wrong! So I went shopping and bought stuff worth RM273, but some how my brain has signaled for me to take out 3sen instead of RM3 to make up that RM273...makes sense? No right. Being a good customer I handed that 3sen to the cashier, she just looked at me with a blank stare stating the amount to be paid. And again, instead of listening and saving myself from further humiliation I insisted giving that 3sen to her. I must say, the service at that departmental store is quite good because she just smiled and stated the payable amount while pointing to the register display instead of being a typical Malaysian service people, who always treats you like you killed their cat.
The best part is I only realized that I was wrong when this particular person next to me was laughing. And I can see the line behind me was getting longer. Embarrassed? Of course…but I must admit I am such a blur when I am stuck in this bubble of happiness, especially for the past couple of weeks.
For the person who laughed at me, just want to say thanks for make me stop and think of that 3sen. It never crossed my mind that 3sen can buy me such a great time and made me reflect on bigger things in life. Maybe big surprises do come in small packages. The memory still makes me smile for a week and hopefully for many years to come. I think I am going to stick to my 3sen and keep it with me for quite sometime.

Love Life

Started new leaf with bigger dreams and ambitions. What cannot kill you will only make you stronger right...I have found silver linings in everything that have happened, that is what important. To my dear friends who have stayed by my side though thick and thin, indeed you are my pillars of strength. No more sad melancholy me, because Raihan is back..up and about, loud and chirpy..hehe. Achtung! This happiness maybe contagious :)

Love this song..

Kalau kau pernah takut mati, sama
Kalau kau pernah patah hati, aku juga iya
Dan seringkali sial datang dan pergi
Tanpa permisi kepadamu, suasana hati
Tak peduli
Kalau kau kejar mimpimu, selalu
Kalau kau ingin berhenti, ingat tuk mulai lagi
Tetap semangat dan teguhkan hati
Di setiap hari sampai nanti, sampai mati
Kadang memang cinta yang terbagi, kadang memang
Seringkali mimpi tak terpenuhi, seringkali
Tetap semangat dan teguhkan hati
Di setiap hari sampai nanti
Tetap melangkah dan keraskan hati
Di setiap hari sampai, sampai mati
Sampai mati

Heartbreak Hotel-Final Chapter

It has been a while when my last entry was made, for those who have read must be wondering what is wrong with me.

So what happened to me while I was sitting in my think tank. Never before, I had felt so lost in my own world. Some said I was in denial, stupid, lost my mind and all I can think of is… I want my hotel back, I just don’t think I can go on living anywhere but inside the hotel. How did I come so low, until I felt there is no longer a layer of confidence in me. No matter how it hurts that is my hotel. As for the Hotel Manager he ran the hotel as usual based on his terms. While things around the hotel shifted to accommodate his need of self improvement, the space around me felt like a big vacuum and stood still. And one by one of the pillars within me began to fall just like domino blocks. The independent, strong and sure person just fades away despite my best effort to put a brave face.

And yet time passed by and my 25th year of life comes approaching, I recollected all what is left of me and proposed once again to the Hotel Manager to have a place again in the Hotel. Despite everything that have happened, I still believed he will not disappoint me on my birthday…as it has already been silently agreed, whatever dispute happened when it comes to certain milestones of my stay in the Hotel, all will be forgotten. I guess I have totally lost that privilege, as he remained firm on running the Hotel on his own. All he can offer me is another room with the rest of the non-believing residents. That is when I realized that it is a dead end for me, the Hotel and the Hotel Manager.

In time things do change, no matter how hard you try to keep it the way it was, or strive to keep up with the tide. On my birthday, I stood by the gate of the Heartbreak Hotel and looked at how it has changed after I have left 9months ago. Maybe it is shining under a different light, but my blind eyes just refuse to see. Maybe it is spreading its wings heading a different path but I am just not strong enough to admit. Maybe it no longer needs my touch as I am a total stranger who just does not know when to leave. With heavy heart, a weak smile and glistening eyes, I walked away with a bag full of memories and heart full of hopes and dreams, leaving behind the Heartbreak Hotel and the Hotel Manager. Finally, Nur Raihan have left the building on that fated 070707.

Happy Birthday Cancer Babe

I laughed to myself reading this from a local mag...execution strikes home

I am: At my happiest time with family and good friends - it takes me a long time to let someone new in. Being stronger than most people realize, I have an intense sense of protection for those I love.
I'm wonderful because: I am loyal and generous especially with food and dine - being ruled by the moon, I love the night life (at home watching tv with mi familia). As I am intiutively pick up vibes, I quickly work people out and give sound advice.
I'm impossible because: If things do not go my way or I get unexpected surprises, my emotions can sky rocket, turning me into one crazy woman. Being a traditionalist I find people who take unusual paths hard to understand and I am not above a little judgment. Not liking confrontation, I am often a two-faced monster!
Love match: Romance, love and a relationship offers me ultimate security and I would often prefer to stay unhappy in love then being single..so always choosing carefully.
Potential match: Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio, Capricorn , Pisces

In pain comes strength, in fear comes courage

Approaching my 25th year..my days kept getting gloomier and hits newest low constantly. Oh God, please keep me strong...

To God I Leave My Fate

Yakinkah ku berdiri
Di hampa tanpa tepi
Bolehkah aku MendengarMu
Terkubur dalam emosi
Tanpa bisa bersembunyi
Aku dan nafasku
MerindukanMu
Terpuruk ku di sini
Teraniaya sepi
Dan ku tahu pasti Kau menemani
Dalam hidupku Kesendirianku
Teringat ku teringat
Pada janjiMu ku terikat
Hanya sekejap ku berdiri
Kulakukan sepenuh hati
Peduli ku peduli
Siang dan malam yang berganti
Sedihku ini tak ada arti
Jika Kaulah sandaran hati
Kaulah sandaran hati
Sandaran hati
Inikah yang Kau mau
Benarkah ini jalanMu
Hanyalah Engkau yang ku tuju
Pegang erat tanganku
Bimbing langkah kakiku
Aku hilang arah Tanpa hadirMu
Dalam gelapnya Malam hariku

Heartbreak Hotel Part 2

Where did we left off...

The Hotel Manager realised that something was amiss with me out of the hotel. Apparently, besides being a valuable customer I have also influenced the hotel in many ways, a woman's touch is always a lasting one. That is what being a power customer all about, my points of improvements (complaints) were taken into account by people around the hotel. So while I am away on a soul searching trip up in the Himalayas, I received calls, messages and letters formally or informally offering me premier packages to resume my stay in the hotel. What technology can do nowadays..curse my Blackberry and DHL, huh! Among the offerings were, I can get back my penthouse suite but with additional perks, seriously..even a 50-50 share of the profits for a lifetime and no re-branding exercise unless I approve it. The Hotel Manager was even maybe considering giving away his post to me. I said nay..nada..no..la'..tidak.

For your information, I am a Cancerian..although I do not believe in zodiacs, as it is against my beloved religion, most characteristics do apply. I am super sensitive, tend to be vengeful, hard to console, secretive so I keep my feelings to myself and very emotionally driven. Putting the characteristics together is not a pretty sight, internally. People do not really know what was going on in my mind, because they know it was my life long dream to have a share in that hotel and by saying no it was beyond comprehension.

The proposals kept coming in for 6months, although I declined for numerous times eventually the Hotel Manager's words sanked in. So I did my own risk assessment procedures, due diligence..all those financial and operational mumbo jumbo. Looking at what is at stake, future prospects and related parties involved, I decided to call up a meeting with the Hotel Manager after consulting my "Circle of Trust" (even though they were oblivious what was going on).

The meeting was really weird. To avoid any unwanted confusions so I laid down my business plan with clear indication that I want to take up his offer. Not so long into the discussion, he cut me short and said the time was not right and the partnership is not feasible in the near future. His face was calm and expressionless, as if I was speaking Greek. I don't even know how to speak Greek. I was stunted. What happened to the 6months aggressively trying to get my stake into the hotel? The premier packages and perks?

The Hotel Manager had me again...and the Cancerian in me decided to shut down and keep it to myself. A good businessman does not let down her guard and let people know their weaknesses..said Trump in the Apprentice. So unlike before I packed my bag, and decide to get into my think tank for brainstorming. Maybe the future that the Hotel Manager mentioned is not so far, after all I am a power customer right??

Fantastic 4

No not the movie..just me and my siblings. We do have super powers..

Myself - the Plastic Girl, talent: multi tasking..have you seen me in action during weekend doing my chores? You'll be surprised how one can vacuum the house, do the laundry, mapping her life for the next 20 years (berangan sebenarnye), memorizing the notes for my exam and more, all at one time... and sometimes you can see my face melt like heated plastic when I am sulking while doing the chores.
Angah - the Stoned Surfer, talent: stoned expression that can send chills down your spine. From one inch of muscle move on his face, you can sense that something is wrong 10metres away from him..maybe he's supply of hair gel is running low, the laptop screen gone red again or maybe Arsenal lost another game last night. At this point, no one should say anything to the Stoned Surfer unless he speaks to you first. "Are you talking to me??"
Alang - the Slumber Boy, talent: no he is not 'selamba', although when he wants to tambah his nasi during a family meal, that side of him is so obvious. Actually, his power is to sleep for long hours...really long hours, he can compete the Polar Bears hybernating during winter. But do not be fooled, he has super sense, especially if anyone encroached his high-powered communication devices; handphone and PC. Once you step over the line, there is no way of saving you from the wrath of Slumber Boy.
'Ain - the Super Sonic Girl, talent: the ability to talk non-stop and high frequency voice projection which can cause the 3 super heroes mentioned above, get spanking from the Super Mom and Super Dad. This junior superhero knows how to drive people crazy but at the same time powerless to defend themselves just by making them laugh or smile. Still learning to control her superpowers to achieve full potential.

Well that is a short introduction to the Fantastic 4..you will never know that all of us are actually heroes at our own right. Have a nice weekend!

Heartbreak Hotel Part 1

This is a story of my stay at The Heartbreak Hotel


My stay at this hotel reached its 58th month on 8 June 2007. It has been a long stay as I am a loyal customer here. Actually, I did check out for 6months at the end of last year because the Hotel Manager asked me to move to the standard room and let go of the penthouse suite I have stayed since the first day I checked in for refurbishment purposes. To make me agreeable, he promised me a better stay in the future with bigger area, plusher pillows, 5stars room service and maybe even a private jacuzzi for myself. Being a tough tenant, I refused, gave an ultimatum to the Hotel Manager; either give me back my penthouse suite or I will check out, regardless of the refurbishment plans.

I even hold a protest against the refurbishment as I liked the hotel as it is. Initially , I checked into the hotel because it was not pretentious, comfortable and original. I can just be myself in the hotel; running around in my pyjamas, screaming my lungs out in the shower even though I know the walls are not soundproofed and even though not everyone gets the concept, I totally dig it. But the Hotel Manager insisted that I move out for a while because he really wanted to change this hotel into something more extravagant like other hotels. Urgh, the boring re branding and repackaging stuffs...saying that the hotel need to keep up with the competitors, international recognition and appeal to bigger market...bla..bla..bla.

Maybe I am so used to the hotel and loved it so much that I do not want it to change. I realized that it was just not a hotel, but it was my hotel and now the Hotel Manager is trying to tell me that the hotel was not that good and a total failure. To show how much I loved that hotel, I was quietly saving some cash to invest in it and maybe negotiate with the Hotel Manager to let me run the hotel with him. So you can imagine how betrayed I felt as a loyal tenant, was asked to stay in a standard room like other non-believing visitors, without prior notice just to make way for the Hotel Manager and his big plans.

I am a very assertive and demanding customer so I demanded nothing less. When things did not work in my way, I checked out to the Hotel Manager's shock. Even the staffs did not know I left until I sent them greeting cards from my house address. Some agreed with my move saying that I deserve a better hotel and some asked me to give the hotel another chance. The Hotel Manager kept silence, went ahead with his plans until he noticed that something was amiss without me in the hotel.

Bring me back to Pangkor

I love beaches..

And one of the most memorable trip to the beach was a trip to Pangkor with my batchmates. The best trip ever, as it was before our last semester and graduation. After some planning we managed to pull it off with around 40 people i think. Honestly it was not easy to convince people to join the trip being UIA and all...guys and girls can't mix together (siap ada takut kena tangkap khalwat...haha). But then the plan must go on..so the rest was history and to Pangkor we went, on a bus called Bob 5 complete with a tv and karaoke box to the delight of most of the guys who aspire to be Awie...horror!! This karaoke session resumed on the way back to KL.."goodness gracious".
We stayed at a chalet 5minutes walk from the beach with volleyball court, pool and ping pong table, dining hall and karaoke room (yikes!). Upon touchdown I was excited to hit the beach, some went to recover from never ending sea sickness, trying to figure out the karaoke box, surveying the area, sleep and even putting on make up preparing for the beach (?!) ... the rest of the trip was spent on the beach either mandi laut or makan angin. No nice sunset though as from our place it was blocked by another island but the sky at dusk and dawn were breathtaking also at night the stars were striking briliance.
We went on a boat trip which brings us around Pangkor island. The really nice beaches that I normally see in ads were actually private beaches owned by big hotels like Pangkor Laut, Four Seasons etc. Off limits to non-residence, too bad and a bit unfair to limit the beaches to the few who stay there. But they have their reasons like wanting to keep the beach clean and pristine for the residences. We saw the infamous Pangkor Laut rooms that stretches out to the sea, I can see their toilet pipes from my boat and kwai-los with their minimal dress code stretching out at the balcony (entah dah mandi belum..eee). Pangkor Laut even have their own ferry, helicopter and boats to cater to the visitors so when they say the room rate ranges from RM900 to RM8,000 per night it was a no brainer. Dream honeymoon getaway. Then we went to Coral Island which is full of corals so it was really hard to walk on the sea bed plus there were a lot of gamat. It is very jellyish so you feel like stepping on thick slimey goo, urgh!
Apart from the sea venture, we went sight seeing at Red Fort. The place was recently refurbished and quite nice. Although the dark trap door on the fort floor looks really earie. Then went shopping for dried seafood and souvenirs, did not managed to find a decent sarong for myself (sigh..). We also went to snake park, because remembered seeing a big snake and animal statues...my friends enjoyed taking their picture with the tortoise ("kura") for certain reasons.
At the chalet and other memorable moments there were; I learned how to play pool not bad for a girl, hurt my hand playing volleyball and ate dirt from so much falling, watching people singing their hearts out on the karaoke machine..Cheeks brought her own karaoke cd collection (diam2 jek), ate dirt again at the beach (the swing incident..18SG), played games with the whole gang and sharing quiet time with my McDreamy.

The trip was sure a memorable one which I will treasure forever.

Bad friend

Today I have made one of the unforgivable mistakes of a good friend..not any friend, one of my most treasured friends that I have known for few years now. I wished her happy birthday not on her birthday and to make things worse, her birthday has passed. Being her, she just kept to herself, even picking up my call when I realized my mistake...she had all the rights in the world to ignore me, disown me as a friend or as I suggested throw me into the deep ocean blue, stab me with a knife even beating me up to a pulp. No excuse can make this mistake acceptable..and maybe I am not such a good friend after all.

5 things that friends should not do to each other:

• Judge...without understanding your friend in the first place, because if you take time to listen you may find out that your friend is not such a bad person after all
• Silence...when they are in need of help, no matter in what form...sometimes all they need is a shoulder to cry on or to know that someone out there still cares
• Forget...best wishes on important days i.e.: birthdays, lost of someone they love, weddings, exams, first date or even a new pair of shoe
• Indifferent...not feeling anything about your friend, people how can you not feel anything for your friend!!
• Secret...well it is ok not to share everything with your friend, but if you feel something important has happened to you, most probably it will be important to your friend too...do not hesitate to share, good or bad

Well at least these are the things which I feel are important to me, maybe you guys feel differently...

To my dear friend, you are always important to me but I know I have hurt you in many ways throughout our friendship. Nevertheless, your friendship is one of the things that drives me everyday..as you are my inspiration of a good muslimah, professional and person as a whole.

To all my friends, I may not be there all the time, but you know when you need me I will be there for you...love you all.

Unthankful...

hmm..my first blog entry.

I had one blog before but that went kaput, due to pure laziness and so called non-existent life. But after reading my friends' blog all this while, it made me realize that this how i actually keep in touch with them and even getting to know what lies within..since we have led our own lives after graduation and a lepaking session during the weekend or hanging out at each other's dorms or house is no longer a feasible option

I had a very refreshing sms from dearest Ash; "How vonderful life is while you're in the vorld - Sir Elton". I guess that was the speech Sir Elton gave to celebrate his 60th birthday, one weird chap he is. The sms struck me deep as i was not at my most positive attitude for the past few months or maybe for most of my waking hours. As created by God, being forgetfull is one of the traits that led us to be unthankful to the blessings we have around us, no matter how small or big it is. And how often we realize that, we only reflect what we had when bad things happen to us and start being thankful to God for what we have but yet we ask for more.

I am considered lucky as i have a wonderful family that supports me through thick and thin...during my hardest times of studies, work, love, friendships even the silliest things like which movie is nice to watch. A set of wonderful friends that are honest and share their thoughts no matter how different it is from mine, but it does not make us falter but appreciate each other even more. I am employed, eventhough i don't say it often i am blessed to have this job and sitting for my professional papers. After all it is all worth it, the experience & qualification will benefit in a long term for sure. The pain is tolerable as it is below my planning materiality...hehe

Now pursuing my studies in a different setting, it just makes me wonder was college life really hard, and what about school years? I remember, when i was younger i have always wished i was older earning my own money and spending away. On the contrary, now i am an adult i wish i am younger, living free of responsibilities, no datelines and movies on wednesday afternoons. Am i still being unthankful? Not really..isn't this a sign that i appreciate what i had in life, as there is always good things to fall back to. hence, i will strive to make things better today so later in life there is always something good to remember and ponder upon.