Can I Say No?

thinking...
how can you say 'no' to a dear friend who really needs your help but it is for something which you believe is wrong.theoretically, it should be easy but it is not easy if you do not want to hurt their feelings.i am no angel and have gave in so many times to my friend's requests and always felt guilty after that, in spite of being happy to help a friend and in other way myself.
it is always hard to say 'no' when you see the disappointment on their face or hear it from their voice, which is the last thing you want your friend to feel..i don't like feeling torn and choosing between my friend's feelings and what is right.but this time, my choice is clear...i want to be on the right track.

the passing...

It was Friday morning, my mom woke me up with the news.
Earlier, I had a dream, she was on her bed telling me she cannot take the pain anymore and it is time to go. He sat next to her comforting her, saying he will be ok when she is gone and he is ready for her to take her place with the Almighty. I watched with great puzzle with chills running through my veins.
Awake, my mom words struck me and made me sat on my bed for a long minute, is this another dream but I know I am no longer sleeping. My grandmother really had answered her call earlier that night. She is my grandmother's youngest sister and suffered a long battle with diabetes. Tears welled up every time I recall the dream that I had that night, the unspoken goodbye. I watched the family helped her for the last bath, kafan, the final goodbyes and kisses then the burial. Tears fall like darkest raining hours even when it was a bright Friday morning.
Though it was about her that day, the sermons read by the imam were meant for the living, death is certain for everyone, how are we prepared to answer our own call when the time comes.. I realize I am not and have broken promises to the Almighty too many times when everyday I seek forgiveness and repent not to stray from His path.
The grieve that falls over our family were in concert, her house has always been the centre of reunions during Hari Raya. Now, with her passing things might never be the same again. Al-Fatihah.

Reunited

Maya in Kak An's make up class
I had a great time in these 2days, being reunited with my high school besties; Fazlin and Haslina. we have been besties since 13-14years ago..yes, that far back. I will not lie that we did have our distance and disconnection due to living away from Malaysia, studying, family and working. But after all these years we manage to keep in touch and keep our friendship close and dear to our heart. Seeing them after so long, there was no second of awkwardness. The laughter, jokes, antics, conversations were like we never left high school.

I remembered the day that I cried my eyes out when Fazlin left for US with her family. Don't know why but the song Don't Speak by No Doubt always brought me back to that day we said goodbyes. And I remember the day I had the best ayam masak merah at Haslina's house and exchanging novels after school.

They are the testimony of my happy and dramatic childhood. We went through old letters and pictures, and the memories were so fresh that it felt that we were in our white and blue baju kurung just yesterday. How we make fun of kids that we don't like or blush when we see kids that we like a li'l too much, teachers that had special nicknames and high school flings that we stumbled into.

I think I am still the one they love to pick on (mangsa buli), Fazlin is still the guy magnet (si cantik..is it?) and Haslina is forever the one with witty one-liner that can make me rolling in laughter (raja lawak..hehe). After 10-ish years, Fazlin is now a proud mother of little princess Maya, Haslina is a bride-to-be and myself..??..well, I am just me. We grew up and had our experiences, which made me love and treasure them more. Growing up is not so simple, some had it tougher than others in different ways. Nevertheless, we inspire each other in our hardships and thankful of the joy and love we still have for each other.

My emo entry..one of those painful healing times

28 July 2008

I am a mess, don't know why but I have been putting this idea at the back of my mind and I thought if I take them seriously I might sound stupid or exaggerating. Am I...?
I am still on my crutch despite doctor's diagnose and estimated recovery rate..my feet is still in pain and my toe is still swollen. During the initial stage, I was nursing my injury and stayed home for about 2weeks. But doctor said I should be more active and move around. I thought I was being paranoid earlier, so I tried to live as normal as I can. Work as usual moving around meeting clients and spend my weekends doing house work, shopping for groceries or watching movies. But every single day, I had to stare at my swollen foot and just pray that the pain would go away. In addition to the physical pain, I had to face people who constantly stare at me when I am on my crutch or limping while walking short distance. The annoyance beginning to get me, but I counted my blessings because I know there are other people that were not so lucky. Also, trying to explain to people what had caused my injury is not so easy anymore. Tried very hard to make it sound funny and light so people do not have to show sympathy because when they are sad or awkward, it will only make me feel worse off. Not to mention trying to reason every single medical advice by those who tried to help recommending traditional medicine or continue nursing my pain by resting.
At this moment, I am pondering the likelihood of not being able to walk normal again. I tried to push this thought away but after 2months the idea begin to taunt me. I tried to express this fear by talking about it or lead a normal life so it will just go away, but somehow it sticks out like a sore thumb. For the first time since my fall, I am crying in pain and unable to smile should there be anyone asking how am I doing.

27 Sept 2008
No more crutch, no more swelling but the ache in my ankle comes and goes. Is it permanent? Only time will tell...

My take on 2008 Puasa and Hari Raya...

Is it only me, I feel I am not as excited about Hari Raya like before? No, please do not tell me that this feeling comes with the age..huhu. Thank God I have my baby sis and some quirky friends to remind me the excitement of the festivities..like festering me to go shopping, playing Pop Pop and bunga api around the house also the buka puasa events. I guess taste of food and camaraderie during buka puasa, puts everything into perspective and taste a little better too.
There were happy and sad stories during one month fasting. My nenek fell sick which scared me, as to me she will always be my nenek yang garang and always have her words of wisdom which highly relevant no matter how traditional it sounds. Hehe..still remember her lecture about "anak dara belajar tinggi kena masuk dapur jugak". Yup, pun was intended directly to yours truly. Well, this anak dara is still struggling with her charter ship, working her a** off, bad in her cooking and not to mention very much single. Anyway, cannot wait to see my nenek, kiss her hand and seek her forgiveness and blessings. Plus, Hari Raya brings memories of my arwah atuk. The coolest atuk ever, he always liked to play firecrackers with his grandchildren and take pictures with us. I will be the only girl among the boisterous pack of boys, pestering and asking questions about going to the beach and why durian does not bear fruits all year round and many more. He is a man of few words but his actions showed the best of him. I miss my arwah atuk and my mom's parents, although I never had to the chance to meet them. I guess if they were alive the feelings would be the same. Though this entry sound somber, I am going to celebrate Hari Raya as happy as always. Just would like to rekindle the memories of the my grandparents that have always made Hari Raya and the whole idea of balik kampung even more meaningful. To all, Selamat Hari Raya and Maaf Zahir Batin

Ouch!

Today is my first day at work after a long leave and attending courses..do not feel like working and my foot is still in pain. The pain is like neither here nor there...once I feel like I am ok, then it starts all over again. For those who are lost..I am recovering from a sprained ankle and broken li'l toe, currently sporting a nice crutch and white bandage over my ankle. Some calls me House and I have one of my friends calling me Nenek Kebayan for my crutch yielding skills.
To summarize how I ended up like this..I slipped at home, landed on the left side of my foot causing extreme pressure on my li'l toe causing it to pop out of its socket and it turned upside down for half a day before the doctor pulled and pushed it back into its small cosy space. Once the toe returned to its place, the finger tissues are torn and the pain of my sprained ankle begins to set in causing my left foot swollen for 2weeks and until now I cannot walk as normal. Plus, this happened 3days before my MICPA exam. Doctor recommended at least 1month minimal activities for my left foot. I don't know how to manage that with the June peak period looming over my head.
Anyways, I am counting my blessings and thankful for the TLC I received from my dearest parents, siblings, schatz and friends. For those who are traumatized for life from the sight of my li'l toe, very sorry guys but for those who laughed, thank you for nothing ;)

Family: Thanks for the VIP treatment, accompanying me to the exam hall and hospital visits and for just being there for me
Friends: Thanks for the well wishes, jokes, laughs and very much needed - Dunkin Donuts
Schatz: Thanks for visiting every other day, being patient when I am down, walking slowly while I struggle walking around and making me smile when I am in pain

Reflection

Have you felt annoyed just by looking at yourself in the mirror? I know I am not perfect and I am comfortable with it, that just shows that I am human. But it does weight much more when the imperfections were pointed out by someboday that I care. I guess it is just part of human nature to be more affected by...flaws rather than beauty...mistakes than success...absence rather than presence. And being me, always trying to please everybody it does make me sad. Call me emotional freak but this is just me, if I can accept people as who they are then why is it hard for people to accept me as I am...respect my choices, appreciate my being and love me for being me.

P/S: I am fine but not so fine