Can I Say No?

thinking...
how can you say 'no' to a dear friend who really needs your help but it is for something which you believe is wrong.theoretically, it should be easy but it is not easy if you do not want to hurt their feelings.i am no angel and have gave in so many times to my friend's requests and always felt guilty after that, in spite of being happy to help a friend and in other way myself.
it is always hard to say 'no' when you see the disappointment on their face or hear it from their voice, which is the last thing you want your friend to feel..i don't like feeling torn and choosing between my friend's feelings and what is right.but this time, my choice is clear...i want to be on the right track.

the passing...

It was Friday morning, my mom woke me up with the news.
Earlier, I had a dream, she was on her bed telling me she cannot take the pain anymore and it is time to go. He sat next to her comforting her, saying he will be ok when she is gone and he is ready for her to take her place with the Almighty. I watched with great puzzle with chills running through my veins.
Awake, my mom words struck me and made me sat on my bed for a long minute, is this another dream but I know I am no longer sleeping. My grandmother really had answered her call earlier that night. She is my grandmother's youngest sister and suffered a long battle with diabetes. Tears welled up every time I recall the dream that I had that night, the unspoken goodbye. I watched the family helped her for the last bath, kafan, the final goodbyes and kisses then the burial. Tears fall like darkest raining hours even when it was a bright Friday morning.
Though it was about her that day, the sermons read by the imam were meant for the living, death is certain for everyone, how are we prepared to answer our own call when the time comes.. I realize I am not and have broken promises to the Almighty too many times when everyday I seek forgiveness and repent not to stray from His path.
The grieve that falls over our family were in concert, her house has always been the centre of reunions during Hari Raya. Now, with her passing things might never be the same again. Al-Fatihah.

Reunited

Maya in Kak An's make up class
I had a great time in these 2days, being reunited with my high school besties; Fazlin and Haslina. we have been besties since 13-14years ago..yes, that far back. I will not lie that we did have our distance and disconnection due to living away from Malaysia, studying, family and working. But after all these years we manage to keep in touch and keep our friendship close and dear to our heart. Seeing them after so long, there was no second of awkwardness. The laughter, jokes, antics, conversations were like we never left high school.

I remembered the day that I cried my eyes out when Fazlin left for US with her family. Don't know why but the song Don't Speak by No Doubt always brought me back to that day we said goodbyes. And I remember the day I had the best ayam masak merah at Haslina's house and exchanging novels after school.

They are the testimony of my happy and dramatic childhood. We went through old letters and pictures, and the memories were so fresh that it felt that we were in our white and blue baju kurung just yesterday. How we make fun of kids that we don't like or blush when we see kids that we like a li'l too much, teachers that had special nicknames and high school flings that we stumbled into.

I think I am still the one they love to pick on (mangsa buli), Fazlin is still the guy magnet (si cantik..is it?) and Haslina is forever the one with witty one-liner that can make me rolling in laughter (raja lawak..hehe). After 10-ish years, Fazlin is now a proud mother of little princess Maya, Haslina is a bride-to-be and myself..??..well, I am just me. We grew up and had our experiences, which made me love and treasure them more. Growing up is not so simple, some had it tougher than others in different ways. Nevertheless, we inspire each other in our hardships and thankful of the joy and love we still have for each other.

My emo entry..one of those painful healing times

28 July 2008

I am a mess, don't know why but I have been putting this idea at the back of my mind and I thought if I take them seriously I might sound stupid or exaggerating. Am I...?
I am still on my crutch despite doctor's diagnose and estimated recovery rate..my feet is still in pain and my toe is still swollen. During the initial stage, I was nursing my injury and stayed home for about 2weeks. But doctor said I should be more active and move around. I thought I was being paranoid earlier, so I tried to live as normal as I can. Work as usual moving around meeting clients and spend my weekends doing house work, shopping for groceries or watching movies. But every single day, I had to stare at my swollen foot and just pray that the pain would go away. In addition to the physical pain, I had to face people who constantly stare at me when I am on my crutch or limping while walking short distance. The annoyance beginning to get me, but I counted my blessings because I know there are other people that were not so lucky. Also, trying to explain to people what had caused my injury is not so easy anymore. Tried very hard to make it sound funny and light so people do not have to show sympathy because when they are sad or awkward, it will only make me feel worse off. Not to mention trying to reason every single medical advice by those who tried to help recommending traditional medicine or continue nursing my pain by resting.
At this moment, I am pondering the likelihood of not being able to walk normal again. I tried to push this thought away but after 2months the idea begin to taunt me. I tried to express this fear by talking about it or lead a normal life so it will just go away, but somehow it sticks out like a sore thumb. For the first time since my fall, I am crying in pain and unable to smile should there be anyone asking how am I doing.

27 Sept 2008
No more crutch, no more swelling but the ache in my ankle comes and goes. Is it permanent? Only time will tell...

My take on 2008 Puasa and Hari Raya...

Is it only me, I feel I am not as excited about Hari Raya like before? No, please do not tell me that this feeling comes with the age..huhu. Thank God I have my baby sis and some quirky friends to remind me the excitement of the festivities..like festering me to go shopping, playing Pop Pop and bunga api around the house also the buka puasa events. I guess taste of food and camaraderie during buka puasa, puts everything into perspective and taste a little better too.
There were happy and sad stories during one month fasting. My nenek fell sick which scared me, as to me she will always be my nenek yang garang and always have her words of wisdom which highly relevant no matter how traditional it sounds. Hehe..still remember her lecture about "anak dara belajar tinggi kena masuk dapur jugak". Yup, pun was intended directly to yours truly. Well, this anak dara is still struggling with her charter ship, working her a** off, bad in her cooking and not to mention very much single. Anyway, cannot wait to see my nenek, kiss her hand and seek her forgiveness and blessings. Plus, Hari Raya brings memories of my arwah atuk. The coolest atuk ever, he always liked to play firecrackers with his grandchildren and take pictures with us. I will be the only girl among the boisterous pack of boys, pestering and asking questions about going to the beach and why durian does not bear fruits all year round and many more. He is a man of few words but his actions showed the best of him. I miss my arwah atuk and my mom's parents, although I never had to the chance to meet them. I guess if they were alive the feelings would be the same. Though this entry sound somber, I am going to celebrate Hari Raya as happy as always. Just would like to rekindle the memories of the my grandparents that have always made Hari Raya and the whole idea of balik kampung even more meaningful. To all, Selamat Hari Raya and Maaf Zahir Batin

Ouch!

Today is my first day at work after a long leave and attending courses..do not feel like working and my foot is still in pain. The pain is like neither here nor there...once I feel like I am ok, then it starts all over again. For those who are lost..I am recovering from a sprained ankle and broken li'l toe, currently sporting a nice crutch and white bandage over my ankle. Some calls me House and I have one of my friends calling me Nenek Kebayan for my crutch yielding skills.
To summarize how I ended up like this..I slipped at home, landed on the left side of my foot causing extreme pressure on my li'l toe causing it to pop out of its socket and it turned upside down for half a day before the doctor pulled and pushed it back into its small cosy space. Once the toe returned to its place, the finger tissues are torn and the pain of my sprained ankle begins to set in causing my left foot swollen for 2weeks and until now I cannot walk as normal. Plus, this happened 3days before my MICPA exam. Doctor recommended at least 1month minimal activities for my left foot. I don't know how to manage that with the June peak period looming over my head.
Anyways, I am counting my blessings and thankful for the TLC I received from my dearest parents, siblings, schatz and friends. For those who are traumatized for life from the sight of my li'l toe, very sorry guys but for those who laughed, thank you for nothing ;)

Family: Thanks for the VIP treatment, accompanying me to the exam hall and hospital visits and for just being there for me
Friends: Thanks for the well wishes, jokes, laughs and very much needed - Dunkin Donuts
Schatz: Thanks for visiting every other day, being patient when I am down, walking slowly while I struggle walking around and making me smile when I am in pain

Reflection

Have you felt annoyed just by looking at yourself in the mirror? I know I am not perfect and I am comfortable with it, that just shows that I am human. But it does weight much more when the imperfections were pointed out by someboday that I care. I guess it is just part of human nature to be more affected by...flaws rather than beauty...mistakes than success...absence rather than presence. And being me, always trying to please everybody it does make me sad. Call me emotional freak but this is just me, if I can accept people as who they are then why is it hard for people to accept me as I am...respect my choices, appreciate my being and love me for being me.

P/S: I am fine but not so fine

7 things about me

By request of a dear friend, I am obliged to complete this test..hehe. Maybe I am limping with my left leg that is still not quite awake but these fingers can still dance on the keyboard.

7 random facts about me:

1. Old school romantic - love spending time with schatz; good conversation, laughs and sweet promises over dinner, ice cream or even a kuih koci
2. A major crybaby - when I am sad I cry, when I am happy I cry, when I am confuse I cry, when I am in pain I cry, when I am laughing I cry...go figure
3. Inconsistent centre of gravity - historical places; longkang in front of my house at 2, the small hill at the corner of my house at 10, biology lab at 15, Pangkor Island at 20, my room at 26..I do not need to get into zero G room to go tumbling around like a helium balloon
4. Loves staying home with mi familia - watching tv, chatting away over breakfast, lunch and dinner, shopping for groceries or stuffs, fooling around...
5. Still searching a life long career instead of a job - everytime people ask me is this your life ambition, I would smile and say I stumbled upon this line of work
6. Enjoys fun and adventure rides in theme parks - i love those thrill rides and dreaming to go to Disneyland
7. Wondering when my time will come - yes, I am traditionalist that wants to get married despite the aloofness in me ;)

7 things that scare me:

1. Horror movies - can't stand it, too much suspense, sound effect, blood and gore
2. Reptiles - snakes, lizards, iguanas etc..I am into fuzzy cuddly animals
3. Losing my loved ones; family, schatz and friends
4. Losing my 6 senses
5. Ignorance and hipocrisy - honestly, this is scary but I can be found guilty in many ways
6. Sight of blood and cuts - cannot tahan, sure faint one
7. Going to Hell

7 random music at the moment:

1. Sampai Syurga - Super Faizal
2. Touch My Body - Mariah Carey
3. Love In This Club - Usher
4. 11 Januari - Gigi
5. Sempurna - Andra & the Backbone
6. Smooth Operator - Sade
7. Right Here Waiting - Richard Marx

7 things I treasure the most (material things):

1. My handphone - staying connected
2. My laptop - for work and leisure
3. My timepiece - masa itu emas
4. My Mini Kelisa - speed demon
5. My handbags - beg ajaib that fits 1001 things like Doraemon
6. My home - that is where the heart is
7. My Friendster and Facebook - it is hard to remain in touch with friends without them

7 "first time" things I ever did:

1. Hiking up a stretch of Banjaran Titiwangsa
2. Flying fox down a 4 storeys building
3. Made a decision that costs me my dearest friends
4. Got into an accident and had a b*tch fit on MRR2 ( not sure whether it was intimidating or entertaining for the other party)
5. Joining a 4WD expedition into the heart of an Orang Asli village
6. Performed Umrah with my parents at the age of 12
7. Going on a navy ship near Selat Melaka

Simply beautiful

Dedicated to my dearest...Schatz & Mak

Kau begitu sempurna
Dimataku kau begitu indahkau membuat diriku
akan slalu memujamu

Disetiap langkahku
Kukan slalu memikirkan dirimu
Tak bisa kubayangkan hidupku tanpa cintamu

Janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku
Takkan mampu menghadapi semua
Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku
Kau adalah jantungku
Kau adalah hidupku
Lengkapi diriku
Oh sayangku, kau begitu
Sempurna.. Sempurna..

Kau genggam tanganku
Saat diriku lemah dan terjatuh
Kau bisikkan kata dan hapus semua sesalku

The confident and perasan "ruling National Front coalition"

KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia (AP) -- An international human rights group said Wednesday it fears Malaysians will not get a fair vote in this week's general elections because of an uneven playing field favoring the ruling National Front coalition.
New York-based Human Rights Watch urged Malaysia to eradicate bias from the electoral process. Opposition and activist groups say the process is rife with irregularities.
Malaysian law minister Nazri Abdul Aziz denied the allegations, accusing Human Rights Watch of discrediting the elections because "they know the National Front will win."
"To me, Human Rights Watch is biased. They are not important at all. It's only their opinion," he told The Associated Press. - CNN

I put my hands up to the minister who have further humiliate our credibility as a democratic country, which supposed to honor human rights and freedom of choice. Vote for Malaysia, vote for ... those who take the people's opinion seriously.

I am broke but I am happy

Shopoholic in me take centre stage this month at extraterestial level. This is evident when I checked my Maybank2U today, suddenly my eyes were a bit blur and 28th January seems light years away. I started counting my net salary and claims to be cleared by tomorrow so I can at least say I am not drained out yet. This is the biggest deficit I have incurred throughout my years of earning my own digits but I am happy and contented.
Confused? I am happy and contented because I think I have spent it the right way. MHMN quoted; menuju ke jalan kebenaran. I bought stuffs for my new room and helped out my parents with decorating mi casa. I must say that the deficit that I incurred brought high ROI (Return on Investment) because it made everybody happy. Nothing else matters.
Anyway, I have made a silent promise to myself not to spend too much next month..hmmm, maybe at least for the next few weeks or...I can slot in few new dresses but... I must have that shoe then... I need to replenish my make up... also how about the upcoming movies and again...my sudden craving for cakes...Opps I did it Again!

Rumahku Syurgaku

My house is currently under major reconstruction. After a long wait, it is time for us to move on into a new chapter of our lives. The renovation represents many things to my family. In short, it symbolizes....

• Fruit of my parents long hard work earning a living
• Making way for a bigger family with me and my siblings, all grown up
• Undying faith and preseverance of our family, after going through many challenges all these years
• Realization of a dream to have a better place to call "Home Sweet Home"

It was not easy making it happen. It has been 6months and my house is still work in progress, and there are more drama in renovating my house compared to a Spanish telenovela. Me and my sis lost our old rooms that caused us to move out in Aug '07. So we slept in the living room and practically lived there, we had to bear our brothers late night watching football matches, breathing dusts from the construction work, studying for exams and lots more. Apart from becoming a refugee, our lives went on as usual.

Then we had the major drama with our contractor that tried to cheat us. Thankfully, my dad was wise enough to keep things formal and documented. Things got worse and serious when dangerous threats came in, forcing my parents to lodge a police report and pursuing the matter in court. Who would have thought someone that my parents used to call friends turn out to be monsters. I guess, friendship woes span all ages from schooldays up to the days we are supposed to be mature adults. My family suffered but we are resilient in keeping it together, the most important thing it got us closer and appreciate the importance of being a family evenmore.

Although, the house is not completed yet but looking at it and remembering how much love and effort that my family has put into it making it "bigger" than it actually is.