Pagi yang gelap

It has been an eventful week..was looking forward to a nice weekend with more shopping to do for Raya and the after events. Bleak as it seems since that email a couple of days before, was hoping a day out would turn things around.

Is it true, this is normal? But I don't like it one bit :'(

Puasa

It is that time of the year again, yippee!! Where almost everyone become nicer or less naughtier, at least we try too..hehe. This year puasa is quite different, as I got to break fast properly at home, instead of at client's or in the middle of traffic jam due to failed attempt to buka puasa at home :) Of course, this is also much to my family pleasure. Trying my best to keep the indulgence during puasa to a minimum and enhance ibadah & sincerity to the best that i can; at work, at home, at leisure and on the prayer mat. I know this puasa and coming raya will be different and in the small corner of my heart, there is a tinge of sadness waiting to spill. Hope it is containable up to the day I seek my parents' forgiveness on the first Hari Raya (though I doubt it) but I know, it is for the better :)

Coinciding with puasa and Merdeka day (today), it is also the day schatz 'found' me at Vivocity overlooking Sentosa Island and the sea, 2 years ago. It felt just like yesterday but the joy and syukur to God for helping us find each other is always there. Slight pinch of 'jiwangness'..
To schatz: I deeply and sincerely adore mein schatz..ich liebe dich.

xoxo (^_^)

4 months later..

I was on a hiatus for the past 5months, suffering from writer's bloc.. Trust me, I have a lots of stuff going on but words don't seem to flow coherently into the pages every time i tried to write. So this is another try and hope this time things will makes sense.. Since it has been 4months, lets try going month by month..

Mar-May 09
Another peak period ends for another to begin, one of my ultimate challenging assignment; a hotel in Subang Jaya. The hours, expectations, resources, client and overall circumstances are ultimate nightmare. Averaging 1 am everyday weekends included, is measured OK compared to some of my poor team mates in other side of the Group, so you get the idea.. At the end of the day, I can say I learnt a lot but getting there, curse words were flying like gagak (crows) flying in Port Kelang area. Pity my juniors most of them are new joiners, have to sprint before they could even crawl in the firm. Thankfully we shared a common fear factor, which I beg not to mention here (for safety reasons). For those who have heard my rantings, you know who or what I am referring to.
Well, despite the craziness of work, light at the end of the tunnel came sooner than expected and to keep things short my last day in PwC was on 16th May 2009. There were sadness leaving friends and the familiar working life in PwC. There were good times for the past 3 years 10months, and I am quite proud to be associated with PwC, knowing that I have learned heaps, achieved my goal of being a chartered accountant and found relationships that will span beyond my stint there. But as times passes by, I have to take another train to continue my travel.

June-July 09
Started my first days in Petronas with an orientation program in Bangi. First day, feelings were different than the first day in PwC. Coming as someone who had been in much different environment, I became more cynical of things to come and not so excited to undergo orientation (macam time2 belajar dulu..go camping, sports and such..so kanak2 riang). And they had to call the program PIPE, very 'inspiring' (?!). As expected, we went to a lot of classes introducing us to what Petronas is all about, from corporate, operational, business and values perspectives. The way things were delivered, were interesting and for myself I found it very useful in appreciating what Petronas has to offer. But, before anyone can say I am a changed person, that professional skepticism in me (thanks to PwC methodology) is still in full gear moving forward into the real work later.
Actually, my favorite thing there is the friends that I have made. There was a fair mix of new grads and experienced hire but I think the combination just made things even more fun. We had long makan cum gossips sessions that spilled over to trips for desserts in McD, karaoke sessions for those that want to clear their pipes (pun intended), volleyball games even for those who are sports blind (like moi) and lots more. I had a first impression idea of everyone in the group and at the end of the day, I was proven wrong in many ways. I asked few friends of what were their impression of me, these are my surprising findings:

1. A know it all..macam bagus
2. Walking dictionary or thesaurus..why have to use BIG words
3. Speaks English only
4. Married.. kids (optional)
5. She was an auditor, but what actually auditor does?
6. Soft-spoken aka budak baik yg bersopan-santun

I bet they had other ideas, but these are the top picks. I hope I have proven them wrong too and since we are all still friends, closer than ever..that says it all. Maybe anyone out there can let me know, what were your first impression of me and has it changed??

I want to tell more about the real work, post-PIPE..but lets keep that for later..

3 days of weekend

I had a full weekend...full and satisfying I must say.
Saturday, with much relief I am officially off from my recent audit assignment. So much drama! Today is a day for my friends. I have managed to get Ash and Cheex to free their schedule for lunch and some catching up before Cheex bertunang next week. Yup, another one down..Aku juga yang liat nak settle down. Schatz came in tow to look for his bro's going away prezie so finally got to introduce him to Cheex too. Approved! Back to Ash and Cheex, we chat like crazy people from appointing me to be Minister of Pecah Kelapa for Thaipusam, going gaga over Cheex to-be engagement ring and Ash's little nephew; Emir who is growing so fast... Then after very filling nyum2 lunch at Paddington's I am off to Lynn's house for her daughter; Maya 2nd birthday. Ate bit of roti jala with note to self (jangan makan banyak sangat!) and a bite of Barney the Purple Dinasour cake. Never liked Barney because I am a true blue Sesame Street fan, but the cake was good. Then got home caught up with few friends over YM and I am done for the day.
Sunday..yeay! My day with schatz. Went to Pavillion hunting for my delayed prezie. Before that, we went to the cinema, thought want to watch Benjamin Button tapi first show at 11.50pm. Hish, cannot be! Then schatz persuaded to watch Valkyrie just because it is a movie revolving around German. Susah betul kalau jalan dengan orang German celup ni..jgn marah schatz ;) Since I didn't read German history very well, I was very dissapointed when all the good guys died. Sedih la that story. But my sadness did not last long then we continued our hunt for prezie at Charles & Keith, HOL, Nine West, Celine and lotsa other handbag shops. Being myself yang kedek (short for kedekut) and always on budget mode, I normally end up picking the most value for money. Finally, schatz decided something from Nine West and I am very2 happy. After movie and shopping, makan time we went to Nasi Lemak Antarabangsa near Ampang Point. Was I shocked..expected price to be close to the original one in Kampung Baru, but in the end we ended up paying RM18 for nasi lemak, mee rebus, plain water and ice lemon tea. Tak nak pergi lagi, I rather makan kat Kampung Baru after this. Huh!
Monday, family time. Promised Che' Net (my li'l sis) to teman look for nice skirt for her Girl Guide party next week. Kids these days...aiyoh! Being the youngest and manja, she managed to pujuk mak to buy her a nice black skirt yang ehem..ehem..boleh tahan mahal. I can only smirk when she got her wishes. Then we went to Jusco for the family shopping day and bought 3 tudungs for myself, 1 for mak and 1 capri for Che' Net. Then grocery shopping, the normal ritual. At home later, cleaned up my nookie and did some laundry before dozing off for a quick nap. Ingat nak pergi jogging with Che' Net but macam nak hujan seram je dengar thunder. Next week la nampaknya, in the mean time just fooled around at home..Now, dreading again to go to work. New client, new assignment and new team tapi dekat je kat rumah. Thinking of taking LRT because parking susah. Bila cakap pasal kerja mula la kepala ni fikir macam2...tapi tu kita cerita lain kali la. I want to catch up the Grammy's now and wondering if schatz dah sampai rumah belum...
Later

Silence

Who would have thought silence can be deafening. When this happens I am a wreck. The anxiety of not knowing what is going on and the anticipation of something that may not be what I expected are crushing me. The power that it has over me drives me to the edge no matter how I try to ignore it; telling myself that everything will turn out OK, keeping myself busy with other things to keep my mind of the dilemma and pushing away the thoughts that things could turn for the worst.
I hope those who have used silence to resolve matters realize that more damage than good is done. Silence is a dangerous space for doubts, negativity and suspicion to grow. There is no telling, will the dark thoughts go once the silence is over. Been there and often it hurts really bad.
I pray that the dark glimpses of possibilities that are pushing through the back of my mind will go away as I strive to recollect every sense of hope and joy to tread the silence I am facing.